Rethinking Relationships: The Escalator, Solo Polyamory, and Choosing Your Own Path

The first time I heard about the Relationship Escalator was during a coaching session with my life coach teacher. I had recently become single and was curious about solo polyamory—the concept intrigued me, but I had no idea what it truly entailed. Who better to explore this with my coach, who had over 30 years of experience in polyamory?

We started the session with a discussion about the Relationship Escalator—a term I had never heard before but immediately recognized in my own life.

“The Relationship Escalator is one of many social scripts—customs for how people are ‘supposed’ to behave, and how we ‘should’ think or feel in relationships. These customs benefit many people, but not always, and not everyone.” — Off Escalator

As I listened, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey.

Recognizing the Relationship Escalator in My Own Life

I remember being in my late 20s and early 30s—single, adventurous, and fully immersed in my passions. I was traveling the world, climbing mountains, and competing in hot-air balloon championships. Then, one day, my sister asked, “So, when are you going to settle down, get married, and buy a house?”

That question felt so foreign to me, like a language I didn’t understand. At the time, I brushed it off as another societal expectation. But now, I see it for what it was—the Relationship Escalator in action.

Who hasn’t heard the dreaded question: “Is this relationship going anywhere?”

For most people, the idea of a relationship not having a defined “destination”—marriage, a house, kids—is unthinkable. It’s ingrained in us that love must follow a linear path, one step leading predictably to the next.

“The Relationship Escalator is what most people grow up believing (or more accurately, assuming) that intimate relationships ‘should’ look like, how they are ‘supposed’ to work—and indeed, what any emotionally healthy adult ‘should’ want.” — Off Escalator

Stepping Off the Escalator

For most of my life, I didn’t question these assumptions. Like so many others, I followed the expected path—I got married, had a son, bought a house. Then, life threw a curveball, and I found myself a widow. Years later, I stood at a crossroads, wondering what I truly wanted from relationships.

That’s when solo polyamory entered the conversation. The idea fascinated me, but spoiler alert: I never actually pursued it!

What I did take away, though, was a perspective that has stayed with me ever since:

“Solo polyamory means you are your primary relationship.”

That struck a chord. What if, instead of looking for someone else to complete me, I embraced the idea that I am my own foundation? That my relationship with myself deserves the same love, care, and commitment that society tells us to pour into romantic partnerships?

That realization was life-changing.

What About You?

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, married, or exploring something outside the traditional mold, have you ever stopped to question whether the path you’re on is truly your choice—or if you’re simply riding the escalator because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do?

What does an authentic relationship look like to you?