The Mental Load We Carry

I was married for ten years before my husband passed away. Like most couples, we had our highs and lows and ended up in couples counselling. Our counsellor—a married woman—was insightful and relatable, often sharing stories of how she and her partner navigated the everyday challenges of marriage.

In one session, she brought out a three-page list of household chores. For any woman, that list felt redundant. It included things like: take out the garbage, do the laundry, fold the laundry, wash dishes, buy groceries… You get the idea. Three pages of that.

I looked at her, puzzled. Where was she going with this?

She simply said these were the basic tasks that needed to get done in any home and handed the paper to both of us. My late husband took it, started reading, and the look on his face said it all: pure disbelief.

He brought the list home and kept it on his bedside table. Occasionally, he would take it out, read through it again, and shake his head in amazement. He once told me, still incredulous, “I don’t know a single man who does all of this.”

Right there, in front of my eyes, I was witnessing the patriarchy at work—the privilege that so many men are granted simply by not being expected to know, let alone do, these things. Raised without the responsibility of domestic care, they move through the world with a freedom that women rarely experience.

But something shifted after that list. Things started getting done at home—without me having to remind him or ask. That moment of realization stayed with him, and the weight I carried alone began to lighten, even if just a little.

I once confided in a friend about this change, and she told me, “My husband will do anything I ask him to.” At the time, I couldn’t put my finger on why that bugged me so much.

Now I know: it’s not about asking. It’s about carrying.

The mental load women carry is almost unbearable—and yet we’re expected to tack on one more thing: to remind and delegate the tasks that maintain our homes and families.

How can we ever rest, when even rest requires planning?

How can we change this?

That’s the question I keep coming back to. Not just in relationships, but in systems, culture, and expectations. I don’t have a perfect answer—but I know it starts with awareness, conversation, and a shared willingness to see the load… and then help carry it.